my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
