nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
