and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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