Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize