no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
