Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
