There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
