i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
