gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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