alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
