just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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