My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize