I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
should my penis look like a turkey
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
