I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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