My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
