If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
