Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
