I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
