You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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