Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i've created a new STD.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
