You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
