shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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