I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
