I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
