life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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