Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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