I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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