I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
