my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
