I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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