Swine flu. Run for my life!
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize