***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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