it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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