capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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