Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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