Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
