So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
