So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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