worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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