I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
