dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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