Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
