I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
