just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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