we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
