She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
