the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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