how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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