Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
