hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize