if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I didn't notice because vodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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