btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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