I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
