Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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