Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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