tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
