since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
