Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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